8 Tips on Surviving Motherhood as an Empath Pt. 2
Mothering is a bigger job than we all expect it to be. All we know about it is that most of us grew up with a mother, and I believe that we begin as young adults gauging our readiness for motherhood based on how prepared we believed our mothers to be upon initiation. And, I think that is where we falter. There are two sentiments from my mother that have stayed with me for a while now. The first one was her asking me very shortly after my wedding if I was happy. It's the question you try to move on from as if you had never heard it; at least for me, it was. This conversation was earlier in the morning; I remember being on my daily commute and slightly distracted navigating traffic when she asked me this. Though she was deliberate in not allowing me to sidestep it because she wanted to make sure she told me how unhappy she was in her first year of marriage. These words created the type of dialogue no one wants to have with their mother because it's a catch 22. If I said I was happy, it makes her feel worse for not being content in her first year of marriage. But, if I said that I was unhappy, she gets validated in her negative perception of relationships and gets to be in a place no parent should be in their child's marriage, the middle.
The second thing I remember from my mother, not as grounding advice but more of something you say to someone when you expect them to fail. The conversation came as I was in my second trimester with my second child. She said she didn't know how I would handle having two children. Unfortunately, this announcement was ill-timed and initiated a rather negative conversation and energy as we went grocery shopping. Still, I pretty much let it pass without too much commentary because how do you win? Truthfully, I didn't know what my journey as a parent with two children would look like as I was still pregnant, but I also knew that being discouraged isn't healthy for anyone.
These two statements remind me why guidance has been such an essential part of my journey as a parent and a being. It's a reminder that despite the natural familial hierarchy, our parents are merely passengers with a distinct spiritual destination, as are their children. Thus, our desires for motherhood should not be based on how well or how inept our mothers maintained their role but how we see motherhood through the lens of a position that facilitates profound growth lessons. That is the perspective in which I offer my final tips on surviving motherhood.
5. Seeking the work before motherhood
To know me is to see that I have struggled with a deep emotional connection to both of my parents. Which is one of the reasons why seeking the work of divine guidance was imperative for me before procreation. Honestly, I didn't necessarily value growth settings if I think about where I was emotionally in my 20s. And that's the number one reason that more women don't initiate the work of unpacking their traumas before it is forced upon them by circumstance. Most of us are too busy running from our problems and trying to conceal them through the most accessible methods. Many of us are trying to survive the day, and survival mode is a full-time job. It is genuinely only with guidance that one understands that path of least resistance is by processing what is happening and finding a pathway to connecting to the root cause of the issues and relating to the reason that you exist and are present in this plane. Growth is primarily regarded as something most women hope to bump into along the way, and if it happens, it happens. They can always refer to Amazon or Barnes & Noble for a self-help read and apply it to their lives if it doesn't. I never read any of the latest books on pregnancy, raising a sensitive child, or whatever else is out there. Years before I had children, I asked questions about whether or not I would be whole enough to guide them, asked questions about the problems in my family dynamic, and journaled more intentionally about how things impacted me. I slowly got better at expressing my needs and hurts rather than hoarding them. The intentionality of that work prepared me for honest conversations with my partner before our wedding. We both had a clear place to offer personal experiences, and we worked better as a unit due to intentional growth and not the passive form. We agreed on our roles and positive experiences we could call upon to lead us into our desired family dynamic.
6. Set a commitment to breaking negative growth patterns
Now committing to breaking negative growth patterns may seem like the same as seeking work before motherhood, but it's not. This mindset is precisely how and where people get caught up in therapy. Going for the sake of going is not the same as acknowledging where you are, learning about new ways of being, and surrendering to the process of real change. If you hope not to repeat patterns with children, you will have to do a lot more than set it as an intention. Your intentions will not hold up when you are exhausted and have been up all night with your little. Or when you are juggling work, motherhood, and trying to have a real connection with your partner. We don't give our ego credit when we make flimsy intentions for bad behavior that we have practiced our entire lives. Often women reject doing the work because they perceive that the issues do not belong to them; they have merely existed around them. However, in doing so, we miss the opportunity to understand our role in our lineage. "The issues" are not always about you but those beliefs and ideas that have become issues through generational inheritance and your growth environments. But also, we never need a defined issue to gain wisdom through guidance. We all have energetic roadblocks to becoming the highest version of ourselves. Not to mention, The problems encompass both what you have learned and have an inner conflict with, and things that have happened that have been painful, or things you haven't found a method or the words to process effectively. The issues and the energy connected to them don't move until you move them. And, the same issues that you are avoiding and unwillingly identify or commit to breaking are the issues that you will be presented with within motherhood and in developing your parenting style. All of our circumstances, every one of them, help us realize more about ourselves. When we pass on the lesson at one time in our life, it will resurface until we accept it and apply it to our life, our consciousness for growth and expansion.
7. Making space for emotionally mature connections
Your old best friend may not be your bestest when it comes to your mommy years, the years you raise your littles. I know it's sad to think about right now if you haven't had kids yet, or are still hoping to get pregnant at the same time as your best friend and raise your kids together as best friends or cousins. But, if you are still hopeful about this, just know that things change. I'm glad that my illusion of my best friend and me being best friends forever flew out the window before I got pregnant.
Truthfully, she got pregnant at 22, and the world spun on its axis. I thought I was naturally going to be godmother, therefore present for every single milestone from the delivery room to graduation day. But, Chile, it didn't happen like that at all. We grew apart. I found myself through traveling and leaning into new opportunities, and she settled for what was familiar. Honestly, she hasn't ever given me any advice about motherhood to date because the awareness of our differences is the space that rests between us. When I think of my friends and acquaintances, there are the friends who got married or settled with kids early on and those who waited. Sometimes I refer to them as the ones who passed on what they knew from their mothers and those that evolved. The ones that grew are more or less the most helpful even when they are still single and trying to figure it all out.
Today's aunties function in a deeper connection than today's baby boomers. The people that I include in my parental stress understand my intentions for my children and acknowledge that what we were given won't hold the test of time.
8. Creating intentional growth settings
As an intuitive reader, I can tell you that most people's desire for energetic alignment begins and ends with their search for a partner. As millennials continually immerse us in New Age culture, I'm hoping that we start to understand that compatible signs should not just be about romantic partnership. Still, aligned energy helps us create intentional growth settings. In reflection of my childhood, it's not hard to see why I felt so misunderstood, and my experiences were so painful; my mother and I are astrological opposites. I am also in opposition to my only sibling, and despite compatibility with my father, his extroverted nature starkly overshadowed my introverted personality. The short of it is and remains a hot mess, and it was tough as a child and more complex as a teenager. That constant frustration is not something I was willing to chance for my children. I planned and deeply considered alignment when bringing forth the souls I would guide, leading me into deeper awareness. Guidance is much easier when there is a sense of ease. Though many parents demand respect and to be honored for their age or designation, spiritually, I know that age is not equivalent to wisdom. Generational traits are most easily broken when they aren't understood by those who suffer from them, but our generational inheritance flows when we honor and respect those from which knowledge is earned. Despite the fact I think many of the archetypes of women I work with would be dismissive of this tip as a necessity, I believe there are a lot of factors to consider when planning for children, but where energy flows, growth and peace are available for all.
I don't know where you sit in your motherhood journey as you are considering my tips. Perhaps, motherhood is still something you fantasize about, not knowing how that will manifest for you or when it could be that you are considering motherhood as the next logical milestone in your life. Maybe it's all said and done, and you sit in regret wishing that you could have applied some of these things sooner, and that would have been the thing that made you feel more connected as a mother. But, no matter where you sit, the opportunity to change how you think about motherhood is available now. It's never too late to apply any of these tips to your parenting style. As someone's daughter from where I am in my life now, I can still benefit from my mother being more intentional about all of these things. Whether it is the work on herself or being intentional about my specific needs and creating space for my individuality, our family has been consumed by secrets and separation. Whatever ownership anyone could do to foster balance and eliminate chaos would be best for the history of our lineage. More than anything, surviving motherhood is not just about what you do for your children; it is how you step into your ancestral responsibility.
In consciousness, we must understand that we are merely our children's first guides in this incarnation. We guide them to help course correct the missteps and natural consequences of the actions of those that came before us. And our positive life traits, intentions, and dreams for our children begin a roadmap for generations to come. Thus, in surviving motherhood, we should strive to remove our victimhood and create a neutral yet nurturing environment that generates timeless wisdom through our energy exchange.
So when you find yourself in a conflict on your motherhood journey, know that ease comes with this acceptance; guiding as a mother is your most extraordinary act of service not only to your divine designation but also to those that will eventually regard you as an ancestor.
If you would like to explore motherhood more personally, start the conversation and schedule time with me here.