The Roadmap for Setting Clear Boundaries

Boundaries do not set themselves. That was one of the many lessons Tabitha Brown offered us while she gave Wendy Williams the most public yet graceful read of our generation. 

I realize that many people attribute Wendy Williams (the talk show host we all love to hate) to be one of the vilest public beings on the planet, but honestly, Wendy is peak Cancer sun sign. Unfortunately, she is a lot of women that assume the worst about everyone's relationship merely because they have yet to experience a positive one in their life.

What people are NOT talking about surrounding this story is the agreements married people make with each other. And, perhaps my statement is made based on my circle. I have more single connections than I have married, and many different reasons play into that. But, the bottom line is, married people, make agreements with each other all the time. In our generation, we have normalized so many things like same-sex marriage, self-identification, single motherhood; those are the things that come to mind immediately. What we have not normalized is minding our own business, and I blame this on us normalizing social media. It's like if you didn't talk about it, allude to it, or overtly discuss it or meme it on social media; it didn't happen. If you believe this, you are going to find yourself with your foot in your mouth more frequently than not, just like Wendy Williams.

The roadmap to any boundaries conversation 

Tab's read taught us three real-life examples of what all boundaries conversations need to include: connection, understanding, and grace. In addition, she gave us the roadmap for what any boundary-setting discussions should consist of for maximum impact. 

Honestly, most boundary-setting conversations start poorly, which is why the result is disconnection. The outcome of a boundary conversation should always be a deeper connection to who you are by expressing what feels most aligned for you. Instead, we often began difficult discussions as if it is our one chance to show up authentically. The result is coming off energetically as offering the most ill-toned public service announcement that no one was expecting, and almost everyone was better for not hearing--including you.  

What Tab got right immediately is she instantly had a level of compassion for Wendy Williams. So if Wendy and Tabitha had been real-life friends, it would have been easier for Wendy to apologize for stepping out of bounds. 

Also, keep in mind that setting boundaries should be relevant for your current circumstances. Tabitha responded to something that occurred the day before, not something that happened in the distant past. This response is significant because when some people find clarity with themselves, they look to correct the people who have been problematic in their past first, rather than focus on what is present tense. In looking to the past, that is a clear indication that your newfound boundary does not quite equate to true healing. Boundaries are not the only thing to clear the air and create new energy; forgiveness can also be a helpful tool. 

The Tone

The tone in which you speak is critical when setting boundaries. Nowadays, people are genuinely too dismissive in how they talk to others. I realize Tabitha Brown spoke to her camera in delivering her message, but I believe her tone would have been the same if she and Wendy had been face to face. How you offer your message in setting boundaries determines how others receive it. Though delivery truly gets murky when you consider how much we text breakups to others, leaving the tone up for interpretation. Despite my firm belief that not every boundaries conversation requires a discussion, it is essential to consider your tone and chosen delivery method if you expect to be free of guilt. Or incur bad karma from not showing up in your highest light.

The Agreement

What stood out to me about Tab setting boundaries was her willingness to explain in detail what she and her husband agreed upon to help Wendy and the world understand her actions --this was not necessary at all. No one is required to explain the need for their boundaries, but it does help people to understand and empathize with you. We all have been at a place in our life where we have to make critical decisions for the betterment of ourselves and our immediate family. But, that can leave our friends and friends that feel like family, co-workers, and our circle at large wondering what happened or if they did something wrong to require this new boundary.  

I believe the recipients of most boundaries conversations miss is that it is seldom about you, but about the person setting the boundary. Our boundaries typically correct our behavior in preparation for changes that have occurred through periods of self-discovery. With Tabitha Brown and Wendy Williams, it was to clear up the negative energy Wendy created around what is a happy occurrence in Tab's life. 

Now let's dissect the agreement. Tabitha very clearly explained her decision was aligned with a pact she made with her husband. I bring this up because we often, in judgment, attempt to not only dishonor and devalue the agreements of partners and our friends and family as individuals when we do not accept their clear agreement with themselves and in their relationships. As you evolve and dig into who you are and your specific purpose, you may shift from the people who have always been there to prevent trauma bonding and stop seeking external validation, especially as you realize misalignment. 

Any agreement that you make in this life should be to honor yourself and your soul's purpose. That means all of your connections should add value to your life experience. When they do not, you are free to set boundaries and create closure in the best way aligned for the direction of the highest manifestation of your energy. 

If you would like to get clarity on how to be more effective for the boundaries you need to create in your life, or more importantly, connect with the purpose of some of your connections, schedule a session with me.